I'm starting to get back into wedding planning mode after being extremely depressed for the last month and a bit. Work has been too busy and of course the big cloud that is my dad's sickness has just put me in a mood to do absolutely nothing! So before the big day on the 16th when my dad will lose over half his liver, I thought I'd get back into planning before that rollercoaster takes off.

I started today looking again for hair and makeup. I'd prefer to have one company do it, which is what my sister had, but I've hit a brick wall. Toronto is extremely expensive! I paid $65 for hair and makeup at my sister's wedding and they came to us. I'm looking at $60-$100 for just makeup or just hair! I'm so frustrated as I didn't budget for so such an extravagance.

I'm at a loss of what to do right now.

I hate planning!

ARGH!

Well word is starting to spread about myself, that I am now officially the successful candiate. They (being the "important" ones) had a meeting last night with some of our clients & Barbara announced it. One of the clients congradulated me wich was really nice & unexpected.

I have still not heard from HR but that is mainly because Barbara has not forwarded my information on yet. After speaking with a few people i'm not sure how much I can actually negotiate. I really don't want to have to be on probation for 3 months however it might be a union thing. I have been working (acting) in this position for 7months now. I'd like to have benefits asap. I need my eyes checked and teeth cleaned along with my bottom wisdom teeth looked at. I hate having to shell everything out of my own pocket. (I know I can get my eyes checked for free but I'm almost positive I need a new perscription & would like to look into getting contacts).

Money is really on my mind as I have to buy the following:

Train ticket to Cobourg (cause Matt still hasn't called his parents)
Dress for Steve & Kris' Wedding
Shoes for said dress
Bathing suit. I don't think I'll lose enough weight for my two piece.
Wedding present for the happy couple

That pretty much eats up this pay cheque & Bills have to fit in somewhere.

Trying not to be stressed about it. Its quite difficult.

I'm taking Lelia out for a couple of drinks tonight (calorie hell) as she is leaving for the summer. I don't really know if I can afford much but I have to do something. She is a great employee & a great friend. I wish I could visit her in N.B. this summer but I don't have the time, transport or money.

( Friday Five )

I smell lilacs. Oh its wonderful! I love Matt's house right now! I'm sitting here with the great smell, my favorite smell. Listening to music and just ever so content. Well I would be even more content if Sanctuary (UO Shard) hadn't gone down but that's not the point.

Matt gave me the best gift! The 5th book in the Earth's Children's series!!!! I'm SOOOOO happy! I've been waiting for it for SOOOO Long! Like years and years and it finally came out and I didn't have the money to spend on it and he came home with it! I almost cried. I'm reading it and I didn't want to get off the bus! I didn't even talk to Jayne on the bus as I usually do because I was too excited about starting the book. *swoons* If you have never read Jean M. Auel, you really should, first one is Clan of the Cave Bear (please if you saw the movie don't judge the book.. please oh please.. what an awfully made movie. I want to own it but then I'm strange).

My tax return came in! Yay! $840 *dances* half is going to my credit card and the rest to my dad along with my computer so I will be getting a new one. *grins* yes.. I'm ever so happy now. Just need Matt to come home and nothing can stop me.

*dances away*

My feet are KILLING ME!

Work was horribly busy and I didn't think i was even going to get out of there on time. However because we have a co-op student I was able to give her some work and actually get it done. I love competent co-op students and I've heard the stories my mom has told me so I know there are some pretty horrible ones out there.

I treated myself a bit today (as I got paid yay) got some socks (6 funky pairs, I'm wearing black and white with red lip marks right now), some curly hair leave in stuff, and some Venus razors.

Things are going much better.. although not completely.

Now if i win that 34 Million...

It's snowing.. it's May.. I'm unhappy.

Slept really well last night. Went to bed at 9pm! So i was up and hopping although late for work this morning. I have a bus pass, buying new shoes (I'm sick of sounding like a lopsided horse) tomorrow. Going to pay off my cell phone. Things are good.

We no longer have Andrea in the house and soon Ryan will be gone as well. At this moment Matt is cleaning and I will help as soon as I get home. I can't wait to get our things back in the storage closet. NEVER EVER put a litter box in the linen closet.. rewweww.

Well back to work. Almost lunch time! Weeee.

PS I'm in a good mood

Good things
1. Ate Emu and Buffalo sandwiches today

2. Ate 3 desert pieces.. fattening as all hell but tasty.

... oh no.. that's it!!

Bad things

1. 7:45am I wake up realizing alarm went off at 5:30am however was turned all the way down.

2. Had to rush to get my rent money to my roommate as this was why one was suppose to be up at 5:30am. Almost made everyone else late for work as well.

3. Got a "talking to" about being late as it has happened before. Made me tear up and took a lot not to cry once I got back to my desk, took even more not to just run away.

3. I can't count.

4. Tom lost my banking account info again and I don't know when I'll get my money (which I owe to Matt) because I of course didn't bring that info with me. Long evil story. Tom's a sweetheart and I hate having to ask him to pay me back, rather have him do it when he can.

5. Don't have a bus pass until tomorrow. Have to use bus tickets meaning I have to get on the front of the bus and can't sit in a good seat probably.

6. I've hardly had time to actually take a lunch. Jayne is workaholic and expects same from me. Horribly Mistaken. Lunch = Sanity.

7. Full.. fat.. and broke

8. This list is growing... i know it is.. i can feel it behind me laughing and clawing at my back.. bad day.. you will cry once I am done with you.. you actually think that rent got payed.. there was some snaffu that was unexpected.. cheques weren't picked up.. bank closed...


Help.. I think i'm having a break down.

Other worries

1. 5 ppl now live in our little 2 bedroom apt.
2. Mell is back in therapy and has been told that she has to go on anti-depressants :( I really don't like those things. Mell is too much of an idividualist to become a happy zombie.
3. Matt says for the first time he's suicidal and i'm scared

I love my roommates, Mell and Matt are like family. There is nothing I can do.. I'm at a loss on how to help them.


I can't even help me.

I think my life is a bit out of control. Although I am working a lot still on full days sorta (yesterday was only a half day today is a full day who knows what tomorrow will be) I'm constantly worried about money. I just can't seem to keep on top of it. My roomates are getting screwed (for lack of better word) by their jobs and there is nothing we can do about it. They are both trying to get a better, full time job so that we won't have to constantly be stressed but right now the plan is to pay rent a day late as Mell is paid on the 2nd. I don't like this idea but there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even spot their rent because I'm not that rich. Money makes me sick, it makes me worry, it makes me angry.. all it does is cause problems.

That aside things are going well. I see Matt as much as I can along with seeing some of my other friends (mostly when they come over to my apt). My social life isn't lacking and I do have a good job. I'm not depressed anymore and I feel quite embarrased of my past behavior over the summer, fall and early winter. I realize now how much I really complained and it hit me just how selfish I really am.

I love Matt, but I'm selfish. Last night I had a Subway cookie left over from supper (his supper i got the chips) and had such a craving for more that he actually went to Subway at 11pm last night. I stayed put. How horrible am I? I now feel really guilty. They were amazing cookies and it was nice to talk, drink tea and eat cookies together but... i don't know.. I love him so much I feel bad that I sent him out into the cold to get me cookies.

Cookies.. at 11pm!! It also made me feel like I was 1000lbs. Its silly because this morning I weighed myself and I am down another 5 pounds from my usal weight. I know I'm not fat... but since I have been larger.. its there.. in the back of my mind... "You can be fat, you are fat, if you just lost another few pounds, if only you could fit into those pants, what will people say when you wear that" It widdles away at my mind, it scares me sometimes. For this exact same reason I'm worried about Mell. She is a beautiful girl and she doesn't really seem to see it. I'm insenstive too. I do make fun of her but in a totally sarcastic way. "Do these pants make me look fat" "Yes Mell... you are oh so huge". I think she is perfect, and frankly I'm jealous of her although I'd never really come out and say it at this point.

Weight and Money.. Human evil. We do it to ourselves.

And days like today... they make me want to crawl into a little whole with a weight scale, water and maybe a little bit of carrots... oh and pay me for it. *sighs*

Well I had a very interesting day. (post is really long but its worth it for me and I'm bored and want to do something different)

7:30AM - Woke up because I heard someone in the bathroom.

7:40AM - Realized I couldn't get back to sleep so got up.

7:45AM - Took a shower

8:05AM - Got dressed,

8:30AM - Finished making coffee and doing dishes so I could make breakfast, we won't mention why i had to do dishes. I really need to talk to my roommate.

9:02AM - Finished making breakfast after setting the fire alarm off about 3 or 4 times waking the rest of the house, yet they didn't get up obviously).

9:20AM - Finished breakfast while playing around on the computer.

9:25AM - Left to go to Scotia Bank with one of my roommates to get his share of rent.

9:27AM - Fell down after slipping on icy hill

9:29AM - Realized I forgot my other roommates money to deposit and ran back home, not falling this time on the hill.

9:35AM - Finally left with all money.

9:45AM - Deposited money in bank.

9:55AM - Bought another coffee at Second cup. This is much better as its Irish Cream and feels nice on my sore throat.

10:15AM - Am finally riding the bus to work, trying not to fall over as there are no seats left and not to spill my coffee. This was accomplished, when i finally did sit down, then i split my coffee, sorta.

10:45AM - Arrive at work

10:50AM - Am walking to the Buffeteria to get some water/juice to take my lovely pills. I see my boss in the hall who says to see him before we open at 11, yet i could still go get my juice (which i decided against as it was all acidic and evil for my throat).

10:55AM - I rush upstairs, the pills sitting in my throat as I didn't take enough water, where Jeff tells me that I am being offered another temporary job. My draw drops, as its a very good opportunity as it could lead to a full time position. The pay is the same (awful) and the hours are awful (8:30 - Noon for now) but I can still have my other job (which is shift work anyway) after and he'll work around my schedule and make sure I don't burn out.

11:00AM - (I didn't actually get all the information right then just a brief description and told I would be called into HIS bosses office later to discuss the details but this is getting long enough). I get into work just in time.

I won't go into more of my day cause this has taken longer then I really wanted to and have been writing for an hour (i made supper and ate at the same time) I've been in a pretty bad mood lately because of this Strep throat. It has made me very impatient especially with one of my roommates who just doesn't seem to do anything but sit around and complain. I guess thats really what i do too.. but lately its really been bothering me. I won't complain anymore here because i've complained my share to those around me. (thank you dear friends by the way). I will be hopefully talking to someone in this house at least tonight, find out whats going on before i blow up. Hehe.

Funny.. because look at this test... (i know i know hush)

See what Care Bear you are.


I'm really not.. i'm just a person pleaser, i like ppl being happy but i'm not exactly "happy bubbly person" very opposite.. i just.. do things for ppl.. and now i'm being walked all over.

I have 15$ left after rent and bus pass... I should have 110... I'll leave it at that.

Oh.. I have a hangnail.

I'm unsure of what action I should be taking to make my life better.

1. I feel alone despite the number of people who care for me should they be online or in person. There was one or two individuals who were really happy to see me return.

2. Money is an awful awful thing. I work constantly to make small change that hardly puts food in my mouth. I try and get a new job which seems quite promising and they seem to really want to interview me yet do not call.

3. Moving, how am I to move without money? I don't own a bed or a dresser of my own. Also he still doesn't own a house so I don't know when I will be moving. I need to be out for Sept now I believe. This is getting stressful.

4. I have horrible writers block. I wrote disgusting work while in Florida and I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of what I write right now.

5. I'm just confused... about everything..